Soul Motion

I just completed the SoulMotion workshop with Zuza in Burlington. I feel a need to write and yet I am not sure what I have to say. Here goes…………. It is funny how I had a cold on Thursday the day before the workshop and felt quite lousy. When I went Friday night I wasn’t even sure I would last the night. Somehow over the weekend my well being improved…..At the moment I feel both energized and tired and mostly full of gratitude for the opportunity I had to dance with such a wonderful group of people under the sacred and professional direction of Zuza, a woman committed to this path of Soul Motion. It was wonderful to dance and move for an entire weekend!. I did not tire of the dance, however I might add that my body is now revealing a few tender spots. I noticed repeatedly how my mood, feelings and thoughts changed. I went to places of feeling awkward, to feeling rejected, and then accepted, to feeling scared and then safe, of feeling judged to acceptance. The landscape changed over and over again. The key was staying in the present. I got to experience over and over coming back to what was happening in the room, not in my head, not outside on the streets of Burlington. Another lesson I take from the weekend is a deeper understanding of the concept of expansion and contraction. We did this through our dance. . We are always moving between contraction and expansion. We do this with our breath - the inhalation being contraction and exhalation being expansion. -Sometimes we need to go in, to be more confined, more with ourselves, our internal process and other times to move out and be in the world, interacting with others. To do this dance over and over again in a safe environment was truly touching. It is another way for me to remember how we are all connected and how our needs, our desires, our fears are all so similar. Our stories may be different but in dropping the story line and showing up, dancing, our similarities are present and the sense of oneness is given space…………. As I just re- read what I wrote I realize how difficult it can be to communicate in writing such experiences. Poets, artists, musicians, to name but a few, often have the secret to revealing the essence……..the cornel of truth…….However, I am someone wanting to share my experiences, want to teach what I am learning and this is one way I can do that. As I transition back into my regular life and it shifts “out into the world” I know I can be pulled into places of fear, scarcity, doubt, aloneness. These words will help remind me of what I know in this moment to be true and to remember the landscape is always changing, always shifting. Dancing, breathing, sitting and quieting my mind are ways to bring me back to the sacred, to the divine to the connection with myself and all other humans dancing this dance of life………………..

Giving

There is a well known saying, “It is in the giving that we receive”. The way I heard the saying actually sounded more like if you give you will receive, in other words the giving was conditional, it felt loaded.. This started me thinking - what does it mean to really give? So often there are strings attached, conscious or unconscious.For most our intension in giving is generally wholehearted, but perhaps we attach some condition to it. For example, we give a gift of money out of the generosity of our heart but perhaps we have some idea of how we would like to see the money used. We may actually exert a little control over the gift. Or perhaps we offer to help, like helping a friend or relative move and down deep we think perhaps if I have to move they will help me. If this is the spirit of our giving then all that we receive is the hope the receiver will do or act the way “we think they should”. It is conditional. In these cases I think we miss the essence of the saying “it is in the giving we receive”. There is a much subtler, less tangible quality that happens when we just give, no strings attached. For me there is a pure sense of satisfaction, a validation of what it means to walk the talk of how we are all connected. It is worth remembering that our roots all share the dirt, the same earth. So when we reach out to one another and unconditionally give from our heart we touch another’s life, bringing joy or perhaps comfort, relief from stress, to name but a few… .It is a gentle and kind reminder of our inter connectedness. I believe that it is such true and honest connections with one another that make life meaningful.. . And so the pondering of this saying, “It is in the giving we receive” is causing me to look more closely at my giving, my possible conscious or unconscious motives and work consistently towards giving from a spirit of true giving with no strings attached.

Acceptance

I am sitting here pondering the entire notion of acceptance. What does acceptance mean? There are many directions I could go with this concept, however I am thinking of it in terms of acceptance of life -Of life’s daily moments, the “small, maybe not so small ups and down” of life. Maybe the reason for these ponderings is that yesterday after the completion of leading a workshop in upstate NY, I was feeling quite elated. I was tired from the amount of energy it all required but I was feeling, grounded and at peace with life. And then it all shifted sometime during my returning home. It seems easy to accept our life when it goes the way we want it to. When the sun is shining, when we feel healthy, have good friends to laugh and play with, etc. there is generally no problem smiling, accepting our lot in life. However when the positive, grounded place changes, when the mood changes to a darker more discouraged place, how do we deal with and accept these ever shifting feelings in healthy ways. Because they will change, it is the nature of life, everything changes all the time. Continually in life one breath ceases and is replaced by a new breath, an entirely new experience. When we meditate and focus on the breath as a way to stay centered in our body our awareness of life’s subtle changes is enhanced. The fact that one minute we are seeing and feeling wonderful about life and the next we feel down, discouraged and may not even know why, can feel overwhelming at times. Who knows why? Maybe it was something in the exchange with a friend, maybe an article we read, maybe some music created a mood. – a hundred or more possibilities. Trying to figure it out with the mind can be exhausting and can often dig a deeper hole. In my experience, often because I don’t like the feelings and want them to go away I make a conscious effort to shift what I am doing, maybe I will take a walk, cook something, write in my journal, do something to move away from this uncomfortable place. It may bring me back towards center and it may not. So much depends upon my attitude of accepting what is actually happening. It won’t shift if I continue with feelings of resistance even in my new activity. The saying “what we resist persist” is worth my remembering . My doing something might include calling a friend. My friend will probably listen, may give me a pep talk to help me see the “way out” or the positive spin on what is happening. And somehow their good intentions might pull me away from the situation, the feelings. But what I am leaning more and more each day is only I can change what is happening in my life. Can I remember that I am not a bad person, deficient, stupid, unkind, whatever may be crossing my brain. The first step is accepting this place as a temporary place, like a rainy day which even in Vermont will not go on forever. My acceptance and seeing the grace of the raindrops opens up a shift towards center, towards groundednes in my day, in my life. And so acceptance of what is given to me is always up to me and in the buhhist way of thinking pain in life is inevitable but suffering is optional. I have the choice to accept and remember that life is a gift in all its forms and shapes… And so with the responsibility on me I am learning how to accept what shows up in my life. I feel it is important not to fight , or try to control what unfolds in my life. Not to wish it away, to distract myself, to busy myself with the hope that it will just disappear all on its own. What works for me is to honor it, get curious about it, accept it as just another part of my landscape. Sitting with what is in my meditation practice can also help. Can I just watch my mind, be a witness. Can I just be curious about my mind, my feelings, and remember that I am more than my mind, more than my emotions. There is a center, a rock, a solid place that is not easily swayed by my moods of the day. When I tap into that deep center, it brings me back to a place of acceptance of all I may be dealing with. It may very well put a smile back on my face., or not…………….No expectations, just acceptance is my motto for the day!

Searching

I have spent much of my life searching, wanting to find answers to some of life's biggest questions, like which is more influential on the development of humans, our genes or our enviroment? Where do we go after we die? Is there really life after death and if so what is that like?? Why do bad things happen to good people? etc. Of course at this tender age of my early sixties I don't have any real answers. But this questing, this searching is clearly an aspect of who I am......... After having assisted this past weekend at Kripalu in a very intensive workshop, "The Inner Quest Intensive" this is what I know on the" Monday after" about some of life's bigest questions having to do with "us humans" --- Under the different outer armour we adorn, the clothers we select daily , the frowns the wrinkles, the acne, the quick wit, the mulitple roles we take on such as the dreamer, the achiever, the critic, etc. there is a simple person with simple needs who desires only to be listened to, accepted understood and loved. And while this is probably not that profound or new to the reader there is nothing like spending time with others as they bond, develop a sense of trust, tell their stories, go deeper into the virgin territory and inner landscapes of their souls to have this reality take shape. It is a privlege and honor to witness the joys and pains that life brings us and to see that it is in the sharing of these experiences and the allowing of authentic feelings to emerge that a sense of freedom and spaciousness occurs. Self observation without judgement is a corner stone of this work I was priviledged to be a witness to such an experience this past weekend and it touched my soul in ways that words cannot express. I feel deep gratitude for the experience and know that my life has been enriched by this process.

"The Purple Appointment Book"

Time, Schedules, plans, life……………..

I am fascinated by time, or perhaps the illusion of time. I have spent much of my life completely and totally run by my calendar. My daughter used to laugh that I actually had to pencil her into my appointment book so we would have time together. I think my “purple appointment book” felt like my life line. It was my connection to the outer world where all the fun, fascinating and sometimes not so exciting things happened. It gave structure to my days, something I seem to have a love/hate relationship with. The structure of the day seemed to support my imagined larger purpose in life. Generally work/structure outlined in “my purple book” felt rewarding, but at the same time it often eliminated the spontaneity of life which I love. Because I am someone who likes to pack a lot into a day, the “book” kept me running. And in all that running I very often was focused on the next event, which might be as small as finding a parking place so I would not be late for the “scheduled activity”.

Over ten years ago I started questioning the pace I was keeping, the way I was a slave to my calendar, to the “book”. There was this feeling that I wanted to be living in the world in a different way. In my infinite wisdom I decided to cut back on my work life in an attempt to have more free and open time, time to come to know myself more intimately to know my deeper self. As I attended this decision I felt a desire to pursue a more creative direction. I started attending mono print classes, making jewelry , yoga dance instruction, and small group facilitation with SoulCollage. During this time I eliminated a number community involvements.
This culminated in closing my consulting practice about five years ago. What happened with these creative endeavors however is that I started moving them in a “business direction”. With mono print I developed some “products”, a small scale undertaking. I started offering Yoga Dance workshops, and moved from that to doing SoulCollage workshops. All of these were things I enjoyed but before long I found myself being driven by the “purple book” again. I had just transferred my energy from one source to another.

At this point I am feeling a drive from within that it is time for me to be doing something that is bigger than “myself”- some authentic expression of who I am, using my particular skills and abilities and to be doing this with others, not alone. I know enough about myself to know that my interaction with others is important for my personal sense of vitality. However at times I feel caught between my intermittent sense of urgency, my impatience and my desire to move only from a place of integrity and concerned I might be seduced into repeating the past.

I am aware at this moment as I look at my “purple book” to see what my next days look like that often in the past I have equated a full calendar with a full, rewarding life, one with vitality, connection and meaning. Without those “purple book commitments” I can slip into doubting “my person” my worthiness, I am not suggesting that vacations, down time, alone time, retreats, etc are not wonderful but even those are still captured in the book with large x marks blocking off the days.

And so this is all I am feeling that need be said about the “purple appointment book”. It is still there with my daily comings and goings, but perhaps just putting these words in writing will support the realization that continues to surface, slowing down, not over committing, allowing myself to live in the present moment as much as possible. .

It really is moments we remember not days……………….

Loss

This is Easter April 24, 2011 - A time of rebirth and renewal, and yet I have been focused on loss and what that means for the last several days. Over the last two weeks I have encountered a number of people who have lost an important person in their lives. Such losses are overwhelming, devastating. There really are no appropriate words that can be said at such times. There are different things that come to mind for me in terms of loss, of death……………. I am not suggesting I would say these directly to someone who just lost a loved one, however in my need to grasp the significance of loss, of death these are a few words that speak to me……

“Behind the darkest cloud of the dreary Winter chill is a Springtime begging to burst forth.”

“Bless this pain for it will bear its perfect gift to you in its perfect time.”

“But out of your loss is an interconnectedness with all humanity- for you are One with everyone who has ever mourned.”

“It is important to be ever so gentle, kind, loving and giving to yourself right now.”

“No one ever said it was easy to let go, let be, let life do what it is supposed to do.”

“There is not right way to grieve - there is just Your way.”

And of course there are many other words, but these are getting my attention at this moment. What I am pondering is why this is coming up for me now given that I have not recently lost an important person in my life. However I have been very aware of loss on a smaller scale, the losses we all encounter in our daily lives. Each day the sun rises and the sun sets (however in Vermont we may not see it, requiring more faith than I experienced in Florida where I did see daily sunrises!) and that day is gone. This is probably seen as a small loss, however we will never again experience that day as it was………It is gone………...

I think that I have been more aware of the vulnerability, and fragility of life given that I have recently been sick. I am aware of the aging process on a more personal level. Being someone who has always been very healthy, fit and able to do many physical activities that people my age perhaps are not able to do or even interested in doing, I have not really questioned that this will probably not always be the way my life goes. And so loss is inevitable. What is called for at these times, is surrender, surrender into the memory of what once was, and can no longer be………….We don’t go back, we go forward with a sense of sacredness of life………….our life with all its lumps, bumps, blemishes, and beauty. And so with loss, with endings come beginnings, new opportunities for really being in the midst of all of life. The circle of life is blossoming on this Easter, 2011.

Beginnings April 20, 2011

On this gray, rainy April day I have decided to start a blog. I am actually quite surprised that I am doing this as in many ways it feels like I am sharing my personal thoughts with whoever might care to read them in a similar way I have in the many journals I have kept over the last several years! And I don't think it ever crossed my mind to share those!

I am inspired to do this in part because of my daughter, Susan and my daughter-in-law Kirsten who both have blogs. I so enjoy reading their entries and seeing the photos.In these very busy times of our lives it is easy to lose track of the meaningful details of our lives. Both Susan and Kirsten write beautifully with a flair for a personal, creative, and inspiring way of sharing events and moments of their lives.

There is something very special, actually lesirely about the written word. It allows time for both the reader and the writer to wander, to ponder the words, their meaning, and the subseuent impact it has that often gets lost in the verbal exchange. It is also very fulfilling for me to be able to say what I want, take as long as I need to "spit it out" and know that I have that time........

I also want to note that today is Thatcher Palmer's first birthday, (Jason and Kirsten's son). Happy, happy to you...............Thatcher and may this be the beginning for you of a wonderful, expanding second year of your life! I love your energy. You are so much like your father and it brings back so many fond memories!

And so here goes my blog on April 20, 2011 and next the photos!