"The Purple Appointment Book"

Time, Schedules, plans, life……………..

I am fascinated by time, or perhaps the illusion of time. I have spent much of my life completely and totally run by my calendar. My daughter used to laugh that I actually had to pencil her into my appointment book so we would have time together. I think my “purple appointment book” felt like my life line. It was my connection to the outer world where all the fun, fascinating and sometimes not so exciting things happened. It gave structure to my days, something I seem to have a love/hate relationship with. The structure of the day seemed to support my imagined larger purpose in life. Generally work/structure outlined in “my purple book” felt rewarding, but at the same time it often eliminated the spontaneity of life which I love. Because I am someone who likes to pack a lot into a day, the “book” kept me running. And in all that running I very often was focused on the next event, which might be as small as finding a parking place so I would not be late for the “scheduled activity”.

Over ten years ago I started questioning the pace I was keeping, the way I was a slave to my calendar, to the “book”. There was this feeling that I wanted to be living in the world in a different way. In my infinite wisdom I decided to cut back on my work life in an attempt to have more free and open time, time to come to know myself more intimately to know my deeper self. As I attended this decision I felt a desire to pursue a more creative direction. I started attending mono print classes, making jewelry , yoga dance instruction, and small group facilitation with SoulCollage. During this time I eliminated a number community involvements.
This culminated in closing my consulting practice about five years ago. What happened with these creative endeavors however is that I started moving them in a “business direction”. With mono print I developed some “products”, a small scale undertaking. I started offering Yoga Dance workshops, and moved from that to doing SoulCollage workshops. All of these were things I enjoyed but before long I found myself being driven by the “purple book” again. I had just transferred my energy from one source to another.

At this point I am feeling a drive from within that it is time for me to be doing something that is bigger than “myself”- some authentic expression of who I am, using my particular skills and abilities and to be doing this with others, not alone. I know enough about myself to know that my interaction with others is important for my personal sense of vitality. However at times I feel caught between my intermittent sense of urgency, my impatience and my desire to move only from a place of integrity and concerned I might be seduced into repeating the past.

I am aware at this moment as I look at my “purple book” to see what my next days look like that often in the past I have equated a full calendar with a full, rewarding life, one with vitality, connection and meaning. Without those “purple book commitments” I can slip into doubting “my person” my worthiness, I am not suggesting that vacations, down time, alone time, retreats, etc are not wonderful but even those are still captured in the book with large x marks blocking off the days.

And so this is all I am feeling that need be said about the “purple appointment book”. It is still there with my daily comings and goings, but perhaps just putting these words in writing will support the realization that continues to surface, slowing down, not over committing, allowing myself to live in the present moment as much as possible. .

It really is moments we remember not days……………….